"Exquisite"

Isn't it weird how you perceive yourself and how others perceive you? I mean you can think of yourself as a really laid back and easy going person and others can look at you as demanding and spoiled.

I had dinner last night with some friends and they said that I was "Monica" from friends. That I was passive aggressive. Passive aggressive, what, me, no way. I am sooo, not. But then they explained it to me. They gave me a great example, they said when we are choosing a place to eat, I say that I am cool with whatever but if they give me an option I say ok but I give the reasons I would rather not...I am not sure that makes any sense...anyway so ya that’s that...

Who am I really anways...? Lately I have had a few conversations with people that truly have challenged me to step back and evaluate who I am? I mean I know who I am in Christ or sure..But I guess I am struggling with some of my crazy flaws...I am a lousy communicator, but I want to change that. I don't live on the edge even though I would like to say that I do..I am a control freak apparently, but who isn't to a certain degree...So with all this said how does one change for the better? I mean not that I want to change my personality by no means but I think that these characteristics in my personality can use some fine-tuning. Where does one start??

Well first there is the communication issue, which by the way is getting better...I just really don't enjoy conflict. Sometimes I choose my battles and weed out what’s really important. But then that leads me to assuming which we all know what happens when you do that..So with out assuming and without blowing up every five seconds, we fall into communication. I believe communication is an art, a gift, that some people just have better then others. We are capable of communicating just some of us have to work on it and others it comes naturally. Me I am one of those who have to work on it. (But I make a great pumpkin cheesecake)..lol...anyway...so I guess I just need to practice, cause when I am married communication is going to be very important and I want to be sure and be ready..

Living on the edge, or living like I am dying I should say. I like the safe routes, like some purchases, I rarely get something new at a restaurant cause I know what I already like. I have learned from someone very special that I put up walls. When this was explained to me, it was though a light bulb lit up in my brain! I guess whenever there is some kinda of risk involved in a relationship I am so easily scared off. I know why this is though; it's because I don't want to get hurt. But I have come to the understanding, I will never know how anything turns out I don't give it a chance, and if it doesn’t work out or if I don't like that salad on the menu, o well life will still go on and God will get me through it all. Don't get me wrong I am not going to be foolish, but I am going to just stick my heart out there a little. I would rather know what love is and risks getting hurt then never love at all and be lonely.

And this whole control freak thing, I am not really I like comprimise, I do. But I can work on the whole humbleness thing and truley just sit back and enjoy life and not get frustrated when things dont completly work out the way I planned...hey I want a live a life to its fullest none of this holding back stuff!!!